I have a confession to make. I kissed one of my friends at the Zedd concert in Las Vegas over the weekend. It was an AMAZING kiss, but we absolutely won’t be dating (or even becoming friends with “benefits”). I’m kind of disappointed, but let me explain why I accept this decision.
I met him in June and we became very quick friends. He was witty, understanding, kind, and we shared a lot of the same interests. I never thought about him as a potential romantic partner, he was just my buddy and one of my favorite scene partners. Toward the end of class, the idea of not seeing him weekly was overtaking my thoughts. With the help of other friends, I realized that I “might” have developed feelings for him. Everyone urged me to tell him how I felt, but I couldn’t.
Fast forward to Saturday.
The nightclub is packed and hot. EDM is vibrating though our bodies, confetti is falling from the ceiling. Being the gentlemen that he is, he never left me alone. I constantly would feel the palm of his hand touching the nape of lower back or on my shoulders and I felt protected. Occasionally, our hands and arms would lock. I knew that our touching was “suggestive”, but it was innocent.
As the music played and the crowd got dense, we got closer. We were face to face, holding each other. I remember looking at the crowd to my right and feeling him gently kiss my outer cheek, then my lips. I’ll keep it PG! It was so sensual. It had been years since anyone kissed me like that and I loved it.
We ran on pure adrenaline as we left the nightclub. The plan was to have a drink back at his hotel (and maybe makeout some more). Before we left, we ran into a friend. Looking back, running into my friend was a saving grace. His presence prevented me from doing anything I would’ve regretted . The three of us walked to his hotel. He and I would have only one additional moment to kiss again. He walked me to my Uber and that was the end of our night.
As we walked around a mall with friends the next day, he mostly ignored me. After the group disbanded, we had the opportunity to be alone again (which forced him to have a conversation with me). We kept it casual, but I could tell how awkward he felt. When it was time for me to head to the airport, I gave him a hug. In a playful tone I said, “If you ever wanna continue what we started last night, let me know.”. He smiled, thought about it for a moment and said, “I can’t”. His level of “feelings” toward me just weren’t there yet. Of course I knew that he wouldn’t want a relationship, but I was a little confused by the “feelings” statement. I wasn’t sure what that meant.
I thought…he kissed me! Why did he kiss me so passionately (twice) if he didn’t have feelings for me? What was with the suggestive touching that lead to the kiss? It was kinda confusing. I told a mutual female friend about this and she said, “I lost a little respect for him”. I defended him. “I just think he’s a little afraid of me”, I said. I’m sure that I’m much different than other girls.
I refuse to change the dynamic of our friendship or our group of friends, therefore, I must accept this confusion. Our months of happiness as friends outweighs a night of passion. I refuse to believe that he would ever purposely hurt me or use me. The man that I know is warm, brilliant, and a bit awkward. I simply want to remember that we once shared a wonderful kiss in Las Vegas, but never speak of it again.